Thursday, July 8, 2010

New Book

A couple of months ago, a friend suggested I read a book called Women, Food, and God by Geneen Roth. I love to read so I added it to my list of must reads. It has taken me until now to start this journey.

My friend, Ashleigh, and I have been struggling with losing weight for several years now. We have gained and lost several times but nothing seems to be the magic thing to work for good. She started to read this book and said this might be the key to keeping the weight off forever.

 So I am on pg 29 and I thought I would keep a note on my thoughts throughout the book....

So far what I know about this book is that it will help evaluate where the eating problems began. When did I start eating too much and why? Where did the negative body image come from and how do I stop it? The author states this is the key to ending your fight with food. The key to losing weight is to STOP DIETING...

I knew this was a key idea throughout college. I went to school for Health Management and I know that in order to make something last for life you have to make it a lifestyle change instead of a temporary diet. Make the changes necessary but do so in a way that you can maintain for life and live with.

But finding the root problem that I solve by eating is harder than I thought. I have to deal with my feelings instead of just eating them? Roth states that eating when we aren't physically hungry is a way to fill the hunger for another need that isn't being met. That is so true in my life. I love to cook and especially love to cook for the ones I love and show that I care by preparing a meal; creating an excuse to bring others close to me with the reward of something delicious to put in their mouth. In some ways, I feel like that is the easiest way to bring someone close to me and accept me. When that meal is finished, I need to create another to feel that satisfaction of being accepted again.

So why do I want to lose weight?
Because I see thin, fit people and the beauty their life seems to attract. I want to lose weight because I see something and someone I have always wanted to be but have never had the discipline to reach.  When I look in the mirror it does not match the person I see in my head. The person I could be if I were thinner.  I feel like my past romantic relationships would have been better and less hurtful if I hadn't been the size I am. I would have felt better about myself and in turn they would have felt differently about me as well. I feel like others will accept me and want to be around me more if I were smaller.

In answering that question, I found that I just want to be accepted and I already know my greatest fear is rejection.  I think this stems from the fact that in the past, two of the most important romantic relationships ended in him telling me he either doesn't love me or never loved me the way he should... When I put all of myself into those relationships, to have them say they didn't love me ever was a hard blow... And in trying to find something to fill that void they left in my life, I turned to food.

Even rereading this statement makes me sad and lonely. I have buried these feelings of rejection for years and with the most recent break up have buried that and claimed to be fine. I actually believed it until I slip and then those feelings come rushing back. I have decided before I allow myself to enter back into a relationship, I need to heal my own wounds instead of constantly trying to fill them with hobbies, food, people and things that can all go away in an instant and leave me with a gaping wound again...

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